I’m the last person you should ask for dating advice because not only am I a dating novice, but for the right guy I become a sex fiend. My first boyfriend and I jumped each other’s bones on our third date (I literally did). The second boyfriend… on our first date (I took him home)… and so on and so forth. You can tell I really like a guy if I want to strip naked and 69. That’s because I don’t believe in dragging out a courtship, I think it’s wasteful.

Dating is a very tiring process for me. I also find it very stressful, especially when you have to stay and talk and ask questions so as not to seem disinterested when all you want to do is leave because you don’t like a guy enough to even wait for commonalities to come up. Equally bad if it’s the other way around, but depending on the level of your self esteem, you can whine about it endlessly or move on to the next guy. I’m more likely to do the latter.

Eh… so I can understand why some guys refuse to date because it’s all very superficial with a lot of gays, what with our tendency to set soaring standards for potential mates, you’d think we’re of royal lineage. You think you’re just having a casual conversation and getting to know a person but you’re secretly being assessed using an invisible checklist that looks at your choice of clothing, your social status, your looks, the kind of phone you’re carrying, your shoe size, the bulge in your pants, your intelligence, your spending power, your personality, your job, your hair style, whether or not you’re wearing make up, your shoes, the color of your socks, your family background, the alignment of your jaw… dating is a job application / character investigation / personality profiling / compatibility test rolled into one, basically.

Terrifying, yes. But dating isn’t totally useless, it’s a tried and established method for finding great mates. It will always be a risky and scary venture because a lot of people fear the unknown, and because it requires a considerable amount of effort, I think it makes finding that one flawed gem all the more satisfying.

~

Music: Rocket / Goldfrapp / Headfirst

Anyway, this 7-11 had a poll going on gay marriage and you can vote for or against it by buying one of two Gulp flavors which I thought was pretty cool because it encouraged people to talk about important and relevant gay issues. These days everybody has something to say. I’m sure the vast majority of Filipinos have had gay encounters, sexual or otherwise. I didn’t mind that 7-11 capitalized on issues that probably don’t mean anything to them at least on a personal level but as long as it got people talking and thinking…

So this simple guy at the counter got a Gulp but was complaining to the cashier because 7-11 didn’t have any more of the “NO” flavor. They made a couple of lame jokes on the subject and they thought the idea of gay marriage was gross and they laughed and I’m sure they thought they were being witty when they were being painfully… simple. He paid for his stupid drink but him and his simple posse made it clear to everyone in the store that they were anti gay marriage. Like their simple opinions mattered. I should have been offended I know but the motherfuckers were just too simple I tuned out and actually didn’t mind if they died on the spot.

I don’t want to say that they’re better off dead, I guess that’s wrong, and just because they’re not fond of gays doesn’t mean they’re evil but… if these people ever have kids of their own, I hope their boys become a bunch of cum guzzling cocksuckers and their girls, voracious carpet munchers.

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Music: This Grudge / Alanis Morissette / So-Called Chaos

Like the concept of loving someone and staying together and working things out no matter how badly things turn out.

Well… depends on how much you’re willing to put up with, I guess. Or how stupid you are. How many bad qualities does a person have to have before you decide he’s not worth liking anymore? And I use the word LIKE because you can’t love a person without liking them first.

You like a guy enough, you become friends. You like a guy enough, he becomes the object of your masturbatory fantasies. You like a guy a lot, you fall in love and for a while you’ll see nothing but the colors of the rainbow and you’ll imagine all the different and creative sexual positions the two of you can try in your attempt to bring another human being into this world. Even if all you guys do is stick your pee pees up each other’s butts, whatever, it still looks like you’re trying to get each other pregnant.

And then you come down from your high and you realize he’s not all that and after uncovering little bits and pieces and really getting to know this guy you start wondering what the hell you were thinking. Or you discover things that would make you want to blow him ten times a day. Because good guys deserve a regular dose of tender blowjobs. The assholes and losers can go fuck themselves.

So yes, breaking up is always an option but because people generally do not go into a relationship planning to break up eventually (we want our relationships to succeed), it doesn’t come up until you’re very close to letting go.

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Music: All Thumbs / Tracy Bonham / Blink The Brightest

To date I’ve had two cab drivers indirectly express their interest in getting down and dirty with me. I’ve been fortunate to at least not come into contact with the really bold and brash ones who don’t put much heft on creative subtlety. I think there is something to be said about being subtle because it makes for an excruciatingly slow and pleasantly awkward courtship on the road. I’m not trying to romanticize a quick and detached blowjob, but the idea of doing dirty things with an attractive man who works hard, to me is exciting. Who doesn’t like a hardworking man?

But that’s all it is, really. We all have boundaries and I don’t enjoy giving blowjobs so… I just get off on the idea.

Some cab drivers are talkative and would engage me on random politics and current events which really murders my brain cells but I participate anyway. Some, however, like to talk about sex–sex with chicks. On these occassions I have to wonder what the cab drivers want because although it starts the way it normally does when guys talk about chicks and all that manly crap we say to bolster our manly egoes, somehow it always finishes with us talking about one guy giving another guy a blowjob. I have to say… they’re not grossed out by it at all. Surprisingly, these two cab drivers seemed really interested. And I give myself partial credit for that because I can be quite cunning and manipulative when I want to be. Unfortunately I have no interest in taking it any further than just casually exchanging views on sex for the following reasons: I love my boyfriend, I can’t deepthroat to save my life, and finally, I hate the idea of servicing straight guys.

Because they don’t reciprocate.

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Music: Pour Some Sugar On Me / Def Leppard

I know that you’ve decided to marry your barely out of college girlfriend—I saw the engagement ring that you so proudly posted in facebook. I bet your heart skipped  a few beats reading the well wishes from your so called friends who, despite your recent engagement, probably still think you’re the biggest faggot this side of the galaxy but are going with it because hey, it’s your life. They probably don’t give a fuck anyway.

I on the other hand, care about what you do with your life because I understand you. I know what it’s like to so badly want to be normal. What I wouldn’t give to be able to hold hands in public and not be ridiculed or swiftly judged.

See, if I didn’t know that you’re into guys in a big way, I’d just be writing about my sex life instead of blogging about you. But you like men and you like a nice sized penis. Didn’t you say you were very pleased to see our boss fish his pecker out to piss in the gents? You had a boyfriend who ravaged you in so many inappropriate ways before you decided to go out with this poor and naive girl that your mom fixed you up with.

I know that you desperately want to please your mother and I know that your relatives have been trying to prove that you’re gay for a while now, so this desperate attempt to quell the gossip is your best bet to get the whole gay issue off your back.

Good luck with that.

I wish God gave you balls the size of tennis balls and not those prunes you’re packing. I wish I didn’t have to see you throw your life away and drag another person down with you. I wish you loved yourself enough to put your happiness first.

~

Music: Love Is Dead / Brett Anderson

If only I wasn’t so determined to be faithful I might have sampled some of those authentic foreign mouths and butts (I just feel ‘ass’ is inappropriate). It was a very good opportunity to expand my very small list of conquests. See I don’t fuck or suck guys I’m not in a relationship with, except for that one guy I met before the current boyfriend, who is by the way wondering if I’m open to the idea of screwing around behind my boyfriend’s back. I know he’s got a very talented mouth and my penis remembers him fondly, but I told him no.

Now, I get that a lot of guys enjoy sleeping around and that’s fine but I’m a romantic, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting absolute monogamy in this day and age.

So… I made a list of the top 10 indecent proposals I received while in that far away land:

10. Would you like to go to a bathhouse with me?
9. I’ve never done it without a condom before but I’m willing to try. Are you safe?
8. I want you to know that you can use my mouth
7. I’ve never had Pinoy before
6. It’s OK if you don’t want to have sex, at least let me watch you masturbate
5. Let’s help each other out
4. Can I give you a blowjob?
3. If you won’t let me give you a blowjob, would you at least let me see your dick?
2. Let me know when you’re ready…
1. I want to drink your ‘Love Juice’

It’s rather graphic I know, but it makes me feel like a total hunk.

~

Music: The Clap / Infant Sorrow / Get Him To The Greek Soundtrack

When I was looking for a job overseas and wasn’t getting calls from employers for a month, my sponsors told me that it’s because I’m not a church goer and if I prayed the rosary I’d get a call from an employer like the next day.

I’m not kidding with this shit.

See there are like hundreds to thousands of applications that headhunters have to sift through to identify candidates for a job opening and I really can’t see how I can be more deserving of employment than others if we’re all brothers and sisters in the eyes of God. I mean, God doesn’t play favorites, right?

And how is my little appeal for employment deserving of consideration when in other parts of the world, people can’t even put food on the table nevermind getting on the internet to send out a bunch of job applications.

People really need to stop relying on Jesus too much and stop asking him for shit. And using Jesus as an excuse to judge people I’m pretty sure is frowned upon in Heaven.

Oh, and if you’re reading this and you somehow feel like I’m pissing all over your christian values… please understand, it’s only because I think it’s absolutely retarded.

~

Music: Scar Tissue / Red Hot Chili Peppers / Californication

Some of my friends look at me and I can see that they think my head is in the clouds. It’s really not, my mind functions as unreliably as it always has. I’m just exceedingly happy to have him, is all.

When I was in Singapore, one guy asked me: What’s gonna happen when you stop sending him money and giving him gifts? Would he still stick with you?

I hate narrow minded fucktards who only look at things a certain way. I don’t know where he got the idea that I’m loaded, but I certainly wasn’t sending my boyfriend a generous amount. In fact, I’m ashamed to quote the amount here because it’s next to nil. My boyfriend’s not a bum. The man’s got pride in him. Almost as ridiculously big as mine. Wrapped in a fetching package, all sweet, warm and tender.

~

Music: Live Forever / Matt Morris / When Everything Breaks Open

You know how sometimes it takes very little to open the floodgates? I was just walking in this very long hallway that leads to the exit and I noticed there were some people milling about but otherwise they were all minding their own business and I was thinking how detached they were from each other. Not one of them were talking casually or laughing… at all. I know that it’s a cultural thing and maybe I just can’t stop comparing this environment to the one I left behind. I knew then that I will never get used to the loneliness and the detachment and the language barrier and this country if I’m going to be alone for god knows how many years. I don’t want to survive here if surviving means growing callous to the constant apathy.

And then I thought of the man I left in the Philippines and how much I want to come home and tell him that it’s not easy living here and that sometimes I feel like my heart would break because I’m afraid I’d wake up one day unable to recall his scent anymore and I would give anything to wake up and be lying on our bed again, smelling the back of his neck and wrapping my arms around his chest and tenderly kissing him as he sleeps. I’m practically a miserable, lovesick zombie.

I took the nearest fire exit and just let the tears come out, all sense of composure be damned.

~

Music: I try / Macy Gray (Because it’s appropriate)

I agreed to meet him at one of the malls near my apartment, inside a bookstore. You know how they tell you that a familiar environment gives you the upper hand? That only applies to war and, well, movies where psychotic fucktards enthusiastically chase people down with ice picks or chainsaws because you accidentally wandered into their backyard…  not when you’re trying to get laid. I understand that bookstores aren’t prime hotspots for meeting men but I don’t really think I’d be comfortable waiting anywhere else. A coffee shop comes to mind, but a hot cup of talk didn’t sound attractive to me. I wasn’t looking for anything meaningful.

We ate, we talked a little about our backgrounds, and then I invited him to my place under the pretense of watching my backlog of DVDs. I was trying to be nice, I got us some sodas and chips. After the movie we talked some more. I was attempting to connect on a higher level to see if there’s anything there. After a couple of fruitless attempts at mental foreplay I decided that he had nothing to say that I was interested in. I didn’t find him compelling. And so I accepted that it just wasn’t meant to be.

I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me instead.