It’s frustrating that today, people still believe that being gay is a choice. God, I hate the Catholics/Christians sometimes, yapping on and on about how God teaches the people to love the sinners but not the sin (FYI being gay makes you a sinner). I hate it when they make things up. Let’s see… I haven’t eaten human meat lately… or murdered babies… or kicked a priest in the face…

Oh that’s right I like dick. Last time I checked, so do women. Admittedly, not all of them do but come on, God clearly wants the penis to be popular among the smart men and women, isn’t that why he made so many variations of the freaking organ? There’s always that unspoken question about how much every attractive man you meet is packing. Adds a whole new layer of mystery, don’t you think? If that’s a sin then let’s all shoot ourselves now. What’s the point of living if you can’t even strip people naked in your head?

Good Lord. It’s bad enough that the church capitalizes on Man’s susceptibility to nurture guilt. They have to be in on everybody’s sex/love life too? Why don’t they just publish a modern version of the Bible with approved mating positions so we know which hole leads to Heaven?

So I gave phone sex a go yesterday with this guy I’ve never seen (not even in pictures), I just talked to him online for a couple of hours and towards the end of our conversation I told him frankly that I’ve been a really good boy and that I should get something seeing as I’m horny and haven’t had any in a month! I guess my little request amused him enough to call me on the phone and engage in intelligent banter. At least that’s how I would call creative cursing and lewd verbal cracks…

HIM: you still wearing your undies?
ME: um.. no, the snake is out, yeah, I’m naked from the waist down
ME: what about you?
HIM: I’m still wearing my boxers, but mine’s growing…
ME: wanna 69?
HIM: yeah, let’s do that… your d*** tastes great…
ME: yeah?…

You all probably know the drill, right? Lots of oohs and aaahs and manly grunts and all that crap we put on for show. So we managed to get really heavy and into the whole thing and as the rating escalated to XXX I said something he didn’t quite like…

ME: you gonna swallow my juice?
HIM: ummmm… no…? I don’t do that man
HIM: you do that?
ME: um… er… (shit)

And right then and there my hard-on died a quick and easy death. What have I learned? I learned that boundaries can ruin a perfectly good erection.

~

Reading: The Name Of The Wind / Patrick Rothfuss
Playing: Final Fantasy: Crisis Core / PSP
Music: Yes You Can / Jewel / 0304

My new apartment looks… bare. I keep imagining colorful furnitures occupying small spaces, and I pull back a little thinking that I don’t really need furnitures. These days I have to be ridiculously practical, and I think that saving up is more important than making this place look and feel like a real home. It’s just a place where I’m allowed to privately fall apart, I guess.

I’m not as pathetic as I sound though. I had a friend help me find an apartment by driving me around Mandaluyong City; one friend loaned me some money to pay for initial rent fees; I’ve got tons of supportive friends who magically conjured the patience to listen to me whine about the demise of my love life over overpriced starbucks and cigarettes. I’m… thankful. Grateful.

The problem with starting over is that I honestly don’t know where to begin. Now that I’ve made the big step of moving out of the semi-home, at this point I’m at a loss as to what I should be doing with my life. I want to start fresh, somewhere, maybe start a new career, but my responsibilites as an adult must take first priority. Funny how acknowledging that doesn’t give it any kind of special meaning. Right now, my plans and things to do are just as temporary as vapor.

~

Reading: Midnight For Charlie Bone / Jenny Nimmo
Music: Love Is Dead / Brett Anderson / Brett Anderson

I have this coworker who sits beside me not because I’m extremely likable or that I smell like an orgy of fresh wood, almost sweet citrus and hot man sex all the time, no. Like most of us who joined this very quiet team, we just didn’t have a choice.

We don’t really talk much, we’re at different places in our lives which is fine with me, no complaints there. He would, on occasion, bestow upon me insights and musings I wish he had the strenght to keep to himself. I guess even retarded virgins need to speak their mind every once in a while.

Friday (the other day) was one such occasion. I was on a blissful trip to happy happy audio land when I heard him in the background talking to me. It’s like his brain failed to register that I’m deaf to the world when I have my headphones on. So to be polite, I quickly took off the only thing that was keeping me from sticking a knife into my gullet and put on my yes-how-may-I-help-you mask. He had to repeat what he was saying of course, now with crappy attempts to elaborate. The gist of the statement was that people who don’t love their jobs are losers.

The semi-verbatim was “you know, I’m seeing people with unhappy status messages on their IMs. They’re not happy with their jobs, and I think they’re losers”. I felt like I was trying to have a normal conversation with an adolescent with zero EQ.

Some people are just trying to make ends meet and don’t need to be called names by a moron with a distorted/discombobulated/confused/twisted view of life.

This guy needs to get laid.

~

Music: Charity Case / Gnarls Barkley / The Odd Couple
Reading: Magyk / Angie Sage

To Do 2009 v 0.0.1:

1. Write – Fiction, prose, love letters, poems
2. Make time to finish reading books purchased last year
3. Get a freakin guitar and use it to compose songs
4. Produce a demo cd, publish a song on the internet, whatever just be a musical gay man
5. Buy a house/car
6. Eliminate debt
7. Come out to mom and siblings
8. Produce at least 10 pieces of art
9. Get into serious photography (this entails getting an expensive and gigantic dslr)
10. Find a way to earn extra income
11. Learn to love job
12. Learn to like stupid people/Stop judging people
13. See family more often (if coming out goes well)
14. Get Leo to stop smoking
15. Lose weight and lift weights for a rockin body
16. Finish playing games purchased last year
17. Stop self from buying a cellphone, a gaming console, a notebook–gadgets (NOOOOO!!!!)

A friend at the office and I agreed to get each other gifts because we’re such good friends (we talk about life and sex and people and all that).  We’re really good friends because we like to hang out in front of the office building and score guys based on looks (1-10, average is 3 usually). Not that we’re superficial or anything, god no. Once in a while it’s fun to let go and succumb to the maddening shallowness common to the general public.

We wanted to cement our friendship by swapping stuff (good friends do that, right?) I’m averse to gift giving as I prefer cash, plus the stuff that I like are usually too costly. Very impractical for the times so I had to narrow it down to love, sex, art and gadgets; the four pillars of my happiness. It took me all but 10 seconds to mentally conjure affordable items to ask for that have the potential to bring me much much much joy.

In the end I asked for a tube of K-Y and three boxes of Durex Fetherlite condoms–Because I’m a dirty dirty boy.

~

Music: Just A Little Hole / Beth Hart / Screamin For My Supper
Reading: American Gods / Neil Gaiman

So a twenty something gay man is thinking about tiptoeing back into the big ol’ pink closet because… for some reason he can’t see himself growing old with a guy. He likes the idea of growing old with a woman because it’s what he is used to seeing. It’s the norm. One of Leo’s friends was making small talk. Says he wants a girlfriend. This from a guy who likes taking it up the arse, looks and talks as gay as day. Not something new, I bet a lot of gay men do it to avoid social stigma. You want to have kids? Not a problem. Nothing stopping gay men from raising their own kids these days. Easy as there’s more than one way to do it. Wanting a wife to come home to, well that’s a different matter. Want your cake and eat it too? That can be arranged, I guess. What’re you going to do when the itch to do it with another man becomes too powerful it makes your gonads twitch? I’m not saying that gay relationships are based on sex and sex alone, but man, attraction to a gender pretty much defines your sexuality, doesn’t it?

While not the weirdest of conversations, it’s definitely one of the most frustrating for me. Normally this would’ve turned into a fiery exchange of opinions and principles where I carelessly imbue my statements with insult so thick and sticky it clings to your ear canal, but I was trying to keep the judgment in check. I was making an effort to understand the reason behind the need. I’m pro choice these days but that doesn’t mean I keep my opinions to myself.

So he goes on saying that as a kid, he visualized his future self living a normal life. Normal = kids, wife, dog, cat, family car, house on a prairie–the works.

You can conform all you want but the fact remains: you’re gay, you’ll probably get a long time partner, probably raise very open-minded kids, they’ll probably call you daddy and papa (or mama, if you’re extremely swishy), you’ll both probably have unwanted hair all over which you will shave because you’re oh so civilized, by the age of 35 you both probably won’t have a full head of hair and spend your savings on hair transplants, you’ll keep jobs, buy a fabulous house and fill it with leopard print furniture…

Point is, you can be gay and still be normal.

~

Reading: Odd Thomas / Dean Koontz + Ptolemy’s Gate / Jonathan Stroud
Music: Grapevine Fires / Death Cab For Cutie / Narrow Stairs
Playing: Baldur’s Gate (PC)

The other day, while we were eating assorted dried fish fried in olive oil, Leo asked me what a plane ride feels like. I told him it’s overrated. Rollercoasters on the other hand are fun. I’ve never been on a plane until three days ago when I had to go visit regionally inconvenient relatives. I say inconvenient because one needs to travel by air, land, water, and then land to reach them. It’s a grand adventure according to Leo. It is, if you’re the outdoorsy type. I’m not, so yay.

No one could tell me specifically what was wrong with my grandfather, just that he’s weak. Not even my uncle, who has made a home in the area could tell me anything substantial. Something about his stomach, or organs in that area of the human body. There, that was all I got between him rubbing his tummy and telling me that there’s something wrong there.

My sister got there two days before me, and according to her, my grandfather has been spending most of his time in bed, and was in fact lying down when she arrived. When I got there he was in the kitchen, sitting up, probably bored to death listening to my aunts yap about angels and demons, pagans and the occult — a great conversation starter in the area, I soon learned.

My grandfather regards me as this true progeny worthy of the family name. He looked real pleased to see me, which made me wonder… would I still be unrivaled in his eyes if he knew about my sexual preference? What did I do as a child to win him over so completely? Would my aunts be as painfully warm to me if they knew that fornicating with a girl/woman/lady isn’t in my immediate to-do list? Can’t say unless I tell them, really.

I know it’s inevitable and all that, life, and as humans we deplete as our years collect. I had to come eventhough I didn’t like the idea of watching my grandfather’s life ebb away, even for just a few hours.

~

Reading: Odd Thomas / Dean Koontz + The Lightning Thief / Rick Riordan
Playing: Baldur’s Gate (PC)
Music: Ain’t No Sunshine / Emily King / East Side Story

That day the rain brought with it dark clouds, cold and invisible wind infused with the chill of loss. The pale walls wore shades of irregular green, shadows dissolving into blue, revealing colors of indifference. Again, I was trying to deflect the sound of metal grinding against life by conjuring sounds of my own. Fingers frantically tapping on soft keyboard; bleeps and beeps tainting frequencies; balls of my feet repeatedly hitting wooden surface; bits of static ricocheting around skull.

That day, escape held no heft. I chose to simply be detached. From flesh, gravity, religion, opinion, and judgment.

~

Excerpt from That Day, July 2008

So some people just want to stick an explanation for everything no matter how absurd some of their reasoning sounds. Today, a friend from the office had an exposition on gay guys who maintain a goatee. It was in one of our frequent cigarette breaks, and we fuck around to pass the time talking about sex (it’s juvenile, I know). So she said that the reason some gay guys grow a goatee, is that since we don’t have a vagina, we grow one so we’d have something that resembles a vagina. A vagina sans the perpetual moisture, layers of ultra sensitive flesh, and quivering.

I laughed. Hard. Glad I wasn’t born with a double chin. God bless people for being creative.

~

Reading: Bareback / Chris Owen
Playing: Final Fantasy Tactics A2 [NDS], No More Heroes [Wii]
Music: Sex Is Not The Enemy / Garbage / Bleed Like Me